


The Beginning (Of My Suffering)

by Mintyaegyo



Series: He’s an Addict [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Barista AU, Barista!San, Cafe AU, Crying, Feelings of not being good enough, Hurt/Comfort, Manager!Hongjoong, New Jobs, Panic Attacks, Poor san is suffering, Stress, barista!jongho, breakdowns, caring hongjoong, clumsy san
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:15:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24984427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mintyaegyo/pseuds/Mintyaegyo
Summary: San has an interview at a job for Starbucks, but he feels extremely anxious about starting his first job.
Series: He’s an Addict [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1743106
Comments: 18
Kudos: 50





	The Beginning (Of My Suffering)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this from experience haaaaa 
> 
> basically this is San’s origin story for my series but again, you can read it first or as a stand alone.

San was still sleeping when he got the call. He groaned loudly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with one hand, the other blindly reaching for his phone, knocking it to the floor in his half-asleep rush. He groans again, leaning over the bed and feeling all the blood rush to his head. That wasn’t his alarm, it was a phone call. 

“Hello?” San rasps as he finally unlocks his phone to stop it’s blaring, yawning as he lays his head back onto the pillow. 

_“This is Choi San, yes?”_ Came a voice on the other end of the phone. San nods, then remembering they obviously couldn’t see him, he answers. 

“Y-yes, that’s me” 

“ _I’m calling about your application you sent in to Starbucks, and I’d like to schedule an interview if you’re still interested?”_ The voice said and San felt his heart beat faster. Of course, he was looking for a job- he had to pay the rent for his apartment and his parents’ allowance wasn’t cutting it anymore since he turned 20 and wasn’t in school anymore. 

“Ah, yes. Yes, sure. Sure, I can do that” San rambles and the voice on the end chuckles softly. San pouted, blinking his tired eyes as he sat up in the bed. What time was it, even? 

“ _Are you available in.. say, an hour?”_ The voice asked and San hummed an affirmative response, running his hand through his messy bed-head. He didn’t previously have anything to do today, so he would be available. 

“Yes, sure” San says again, feeling the anxiety rise inside him. He’s never had a job interview before, so he was suddenly extremely nervous and definitely not prepared. What do you say during an interview? What would they ask him? Oh, god. Did he even have nice clothes? He didn’t expect this. 

_“Sounds great. I’ll see you then, Choi-ssi.”_ The voice said through his phone speaker and San gulps, that sounded extremely formal. He didn’t know if he could handle that. 

“S-see you then, sir.” San says back, and the interviewer has the audacity to chuckle again before they hang up. San checks the time on his phone before he throws it down onto the pillow next to him and rolls out of bed to take a shower. He was definitely wide awake now as he ran his hand through his hair again, making his way to the bathroom, his heart in his throat. 

He strips his pajama pants and old faded t-shirt off, starting the water. As he waits for it to warm up, he brushes his teeth, resisting the urge to throw up from anxiety. He washes his hair in the shower, scrubs himself down until he’s deemed himself sufficiently clean. Then he turns the water off, drying himself off with an old beach towel he’s had since he was probably eight years old- it was Pororo themed- before he wrapped it around his waist and made his way back to the bedroom. 

San stared blankly at his closet, blinking as he wonders what the fuck someone wears to their first job interview. It wasn’t a fancy office or anything, so he probably didn’t have to wear a suit. Which was perfectly fine with him, he didn’t even own a suit. He didn’t even own dress pants. He lets out a deep sigh as he flits through his shirts, settling on his cleanest dress shirt, which was black, and some black jeans. For shoes, he just put his Converse on. Fuck it, he wasn’t about to dig for his dress shoes he may or may not have had still from high school graduation. He gets dressed and combs his dark hair, making sure it’s not messy before he checks the time on his phone again. He still had time for a short breakfast before he leaves, but his stomach was in knots and he didn’t think it would be such a good idea to eat before the interview. What if he threw up on the floor or something? He frowns, opting for a glass of water instead of the usual toast he’d eat, leaning against the kitchen counter before he grabs his keys and wallet with shaking hands, making his way to the front door and down the elevator to his car. 

~

San was sitting his car, parked outside the cafe. He tries to calm his shaking hands, and take deep breaths. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back as if that would help. He knew it was normal to be nervous before an interview but, was this much anxious energy normal? It was everything he could do to stop himself from just throwing up from anxiety as soon as he opened the door and stepped out of the car. He takes another shaky deep breath again before he locks his car and walks up to the cafe doors, stepping inside. Immediately, he was met with the scent of coffee. He looks around, seeing it wasn’t very busy which he didn’t know whether that made it worse or calmed him down. He swallowed the lump in his throat and slowly made his way to the counter where there was a short man with sandy blonde hair and a taller dark haired boy, chatting amongst each other as they made an order for someone. 

He dug his nails into his wrist, biting his bottom lip anxiously as he stands at the counter, eyes nervously looking at the shorter man in the green apron. 

“Hi” The man said with a smile, tilting his head, the small glint of gold earring on his ear. 

“Um… I’m here for my interview?” San says, blinking. He could feel the nausea churning in his stomach, wondering if this was okay. If he had made a mistake. Were his cheeks flushed? He wondered what the manager would look like, and if he was scary and formal. 

“Ah, yes, Choi San?” The man grinned, lips quirked upwards, and he looked pretty friendly, honestly. San nodded shyly, still nibbling on his lip. “Okay, just wait a second for me to grab my papers, then we can go sit, yeah?” San nods again, feeling too nervous to actually say any words and it almost felt like the room was closing in on him as the time for the actual interview grew nearer. The man turned toward the other boy behind the bar on his way to the back room. “Jongho, you can watch the bar while i’m gone” 

“Of course, hyung” The dark haired boy named Jongho chirped cheerily and nodded and the shorter man grinned back. 

“Perfect, thanks” He came back out a moment later with a clipboard and made his way out of the bar next to San. San felt tall somehow, and wondered why he was intimidated by someone who was probably three inches shorter than him with a gold earring. Was this the person who was going to be interviewing him? Shouldn’t it be a real grown up? Not that this man probably wasn’t a legal grown up but.. San had expected an _ajussi_ with a 5-o’ clock-shadow and dress shoes, not somebody who couldn’t be much older than him. Somehow, that thought calmed his nerves, just a tiny bit. The man led San to a booth in the corner and invited him to sit down. San took his seat, fiddling with his fingers as the man sat opposite him. “Hi San, I probably should’ve introduced myself before but I’m Kim Hongjoong, the supervisor-acting-manager of this location.” He grinned and took his hand out for San to shake. San nodded, smiling shyly. It probably looked pained, as he shook the man’s hand. God, were his hands clammy? How did you even shake a hand properly? Did they even learn that in school?

“I-I’m Choi San.” San said dumbly, looking up at Hongjoong for a moment, then down shyly. Hongjoong chuckles softly, nodding. 

“Yes, yes you are. How are you, San?” Hongjoong asks, seemingly genuine. 

“I..” San swallows, biting his lip, hands fiddling with each other again. “I’m okay, thank you and you?” 

“I’m good, thank you.” Hongjoong smiles. He could tell San was extremely nervous and honestly felt really bad for the boy. If he didn’t know it would cross the line, he would absolutely just hug San until he stopped shaking. He looked on the verge of a panic attack. “Would you like some water?” he offers instead. San just nods dumbly, mouth feeling dry. 

San knew he was already failing the interview and he looked down at the table as Hongjoong sends him another smile, getting up. He leaves San alone for no less than three minutes. San spends that time digging his nails into his wrist and practicing breathing exercises. He almost doesn’t notice Hongjoong come back until the elder places a cup of water in front of him. 

“Here, drink. It’s alright.” Hongjoong says with a genuine smile. He didn’t have a drink for himself. San nods, sipping the water slowly, feeling the coolness go down his throat. Hongjoong gives San a moment to collect himself before he speaks again. He did feel a need to protect this kid. “So…” Hongjoong starts. “Are you in school at all, Choi-ssi?” 

Oh, he could answer that. San shakes his head no, then clears his throat. 

“Not anymore” He says in a quiet voice. “Finished school.” Hongjoong nods. 

“Okay. What did you take in school? Or did you just graduate high school?” 

“English and literature..” San hums softly. A two year degree for both subjects and he did pass. He was proud of himself, but the fact he had finished his schooling-even if for only a moment until he decided he wanted to do something else- was why he needed a job. 

“Ah, cool.” Hongjoong says with a smile, nodding. “I studied English too.” He says and San smiles back, almost genuine. Hongjoong was talking to him like a friend or cousin and it made him feel a little more comfortable. He plays with his fingers, looking down still. “Have you ever had a job before?” San shakes his head. 

“N-no, just volunteering and school” San says quietly. Was that bad? Did you need to have experience to get a job? But then how could you get a job with no experience? How did you get the job, then? He swallowed. 

“Okay” Hongjoong says. “Have you.. dealt much with people?” San nods. He did, in-fact deal with people. When he volunteered at his dad’s studio as the receptionist. 

“My dad.. owns a Taekwondo studio. I did receptionist work for him when he needed me to” San said quietly, hoping his experience was okay. That it was good enough. Hongjoong nods. San thinks he’ll think it’s dumb until Hongjoong smiles brightly at him. 

“That’s cool. Did you do Taekwondo? Jongho here can do Karate, he can break pretty much anything with a Karate chop.” Hongjoong surprisingly just sounds like a proud father instead of someone who’s supposed to be a manager and San finds himself giggling. 

“Yeah, I did that and volleyball while I was in school” San says, “Can he really? That’s awesome.” 

“I thought so too” Hongjoong chuckles. “Can you work a coffee machine?” He asks. 

“I guess so” San says with a shy shrug. Oh yeah, interview. He bites his lip shyly again before taking a sip of water. Poor kid. 

“When can you start?” Hongjoong asks, smile not leaving his face. “I do really need someone” 

“A-any time” San says softly, big eyes looking up at Hongjoong, hand shaking as it holds the cup of water. 

“Tuesday?” Hongjoong asks and San just nods stupidly. Hongjoong couldn’t say no, he felt him and San would be able to get along, he seemed like a nice kid even though he was shy. “And San?”

San nods again, biting his lip. He squeaks. 

“Y-yes?”

“Are you okay?” Hongjoong asks and San wanted to shrink into the floor and melt away and die right there. Had Hongjoong known he was anxious the entire time? Fuck. That must’ve looked bad, why did he decide to hire him? Pity? He must have paled and blacked out for a moment because Hongjoong is looking at him funny and asking if he’s okay again. He just blinks dumbly and Hongjoong breaks and reaches across the table to hold onto his hands, stopping them from picking at the skin on his wrist. “San.” He says again, looking up at the dark haired boy, eyes searching. “Breathe.”

San nods, taking a few deep breaths, focusing on the scent of coffee and the feeling of Hongjoong’s warm hands in his own. He resists the urge to burst into tears or throw up just barely and Hongjoong can see how pale he is. 

“I-I’m sorry…” San says softly, almost inaudible as he’s embarrassed. “I’ve.. never had a job interview before..” 

“It’s alright” Hongjoong chuckles warmly. “Interviews aren’t the most pleasant things, no. But it’s over now, you survived it.” He says, squeezing San’s hands. “Should I go make you some tea?” 

~

San had been sent home after the interview and ordered to get some rest from Hongjoong. He’d also been given a chamomile tea and a strawberry muffin. San had calmed down a little from his anxiety after a few sips of the tea and after a reassuring smile from Hongjoong, he felt maybe this wasn’t so bad. Hongjoong had made sure he was calm enough to drive home and if he got anxious again or had any burning questions about the job during the weekend to give him a call or text and he’d be happy to help, which did make San feel so much better, even if he was still anxious about the job in general- he’d only worked for his actual father prior. 

“So you hired him, hyung?” Jongho asks when Hongjoong is finally back behind the counter to help run the store again. Hongjoong nods with a fond grin, running a hand through his hair. Jongho smiles, nose scrunching up. 

“Yep, he seems like a really sweet kid.” 

“I could tell, you have a soft spot for him already and it’s only been like.. half an hour” Jongho laughs softly, giving the espresso machine a wipe. 

“He came in looking like he was about to pass out on the spot from being so nervous, I needed to make sure he was okay” 

Jongho laughs again, shaking his head. Typical Hongjoong, being a soft hyung. The amount of chamomile tea the man has given out to anxious college students studying at the tables was ridiculous, honestly. 

“What?” Hongjoong squawks, hands in the air although he was still smiling. “Anyways it’s his first ever job and he starts on Tuesday so.. make sure you be nice to him, yeah?” 

“Sure, dad.” Jongho teases with a gummy smile. Hongjoong huffs and swats the younger with a straw. 

~ 

San drives home in silence, still numb from adrenaline. When he gets back up to his apartment, he unties his shoes and kicks them off, then flopping down on the couch in the living room. He lets out a sigh, taking a bite of the strawberry muffin. 

“What the fuck just happened?” He murmurs to himself, taking in a breath. “I think.. I think I have a job now?” He finishes the bite of his muffin and swallows, blinking up at the ceiling and hoping he didn’t embarrass himself too much. The tea Hongjoong had given him actually helped his nerves a lot and now that he was home again and it was over with, he felt he could finally breathe properly, hands stopping most of their shaking. 

Ah, yes. Hongjoong. San wondered how old he was. He seemed extremely nice and dealt with San’s awkward anxiety in the nicest way possible, now that San thinks about it. He was still extremely anxious for when he actually started his job on Tuesday, but at least he knows that Hongjoong wasn’t some evil old boss man like the manager’s he’s seen in dramas. It was Friday, so San still had the weekend and then some to prepare himself mentally as best as he could. San takes another bite of the muffin, finally realizing just how hungry he was now that the anxious nausea had subsided. It was actually delicious and he wondered if he’d had the sense to say thank you when it was given to him. 

~ 

On Sunday, while San was waiting for his next match in LoL to start, he ended up calling Hongjoong as he’d had a sudden realization. He knew he worked on Tuesday, but he didn’t remember the time he should come into work and he felt stupid for it. 

“ _Hello?_ ”

“H-Hi, is this Hongjoong?” San said, feeling unsure of himself. He really didn’t want to call, but this was important information he needed. 

“ _It is. Who am I speaking with?”_ The voice on the other end says politely. San knew his nervous stutter probably had given him away. 

“Choi San” He says, humming as he fiddles with the computer mouse with his free hand, queue still up on the screen. 

_“Ah, hey San!”_ Hongjoong’s smile was evident in his voice and it made San feel a little more relaxed. _“Did you have any questions?”_ San could hear the bustle of the cafe in the background, Jongho taking orders. 

“Uh.. well.. what time was I supposed to come in on Tuesday?” San asks, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “I don’t remember, I’m sorry.”

 _“Oh.”_ Hongjoong lets out a chuckle and San feels his cheeks begin to heat up. _“Uh.. can you do 12? Yeah.. that should be okay, gimme a sec.. hey Jongho!”_

San nods and blinks as he listens to Hongjoong ask Jongho to grab him the schedule, kicking his foot against the bottom edge of his desk. 

_“Sorry about that, yeah, 12 is alright with you?”_

“Yeah, that’s fine” San says. Hongjoong sounded flustered, it was kind of cute. “Oh! And what.. should I wear?” he adds as an after thought. That might be important also. 

_“Black, mostly.”_ Hongjoong answers, _“I’ve got to go back to work, but I’ll see you Tuesday, yeah?”_

“Yeah”. San says, nervous energy bubbling up inside his chest, but he thinks some of it was mixed with excitement now too. 

~ 

San’s alarm rang on Tuesday morning at 10, and he awakes by yawning loudly, rubbing his eyes and stretching his legs out with a loud groan. He shuts the alarm off and blindly slides out of bed, nearly ramming his leg into his bedside table. He curses to himself, wondering why he was awake. 

Oh yeah, he had to _go to work_ today. His chest bubbles with anxiety as he runs his hand through his hair, making his way to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth, knuckles white as he grips the toothbrush so hard in his anxiety that it may break. He takes a deep breath as he starts his shower. 

When he gets out he chooses his outfit, black jeans and a black t-shirt, simple. He combs his hair and goes to the kitchen to have a glass of water, opting to skip breakfast again due to his anxiety. He couldn’t eat even if he tried. He knows, in his mind that it’ll probably be okay because Hongjoong was extremely nice and sweet to him, but it _was_ his first job and that made him feel extremely anxious. What if he was bad at it? What if he sucked so bad that Hongjoong had no choice but to fire him?

He lets out a soft whine in the back of his throat as he sips his water before he decides he should probably head out to the cafe. He plays his favorite song in the car to try to help himself relax, humming along with it and drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat in an anxious pattern. He’s there in no time and as he walks in, he’s met with the same smell of coffee. Hongjoong sees him from behind the counter as the door opens and smiles, waving him over. 

“San, hi” Hongjoong says with a soft smile. San squeaks, feeling overwhelmed already and he had only been there for 3.7 seconds, just barely walked in the door. He hasn’t even done anything but blink. 

“Hi” San says, blinking down at Hongjoong. He fiddles with the loose threads on the bottom of his shirt. “I-I’m not late, right?” San knew he wasn’t late. He had left early, just to make sure. He didn’t want to be in trouble. That would be the worst thing to do on the first day of work; get in trouble. He wasn’t really one to be tardy anyways, usually. Hongjoong shakes his head with a soft chuckle. 

“No you’re fine, don’t worry. Just come back here with me and I’ll set you all up, yeah?” San nods and goes behind the counter, giving a shy little smile to Jongho, the other employee. Jongho nods politely in response. Hongjoong goes into the back room and motions for San to follow him. “I’m gonna give you some papers to read, rules and stuff y’know? You’re gonna have to sign your life away- no, I’m kidding, don’t look at me like that-“ He chuckles softly as he sees San’s eyes widen. “You can read and fill them out at my desk here, okay?”

Hongjoong pats his desk. It was covered in paperwork and empty teacups. The computer was on, but the screen-saver was the only thing visible; a kaleidoscope of random colors flitting over the screen. San nods again, fingers still fiddling with every part of the edge of his shirt he could feel. He gives Hongjoong a shaky, nervous smile. 

“And,” Hongjoong continues, “When you’re finished you can come get me and I’ll give you your very own, super fashionable green apron.” He nods with a little giggle and San can see his golden earrings again. San manages another smile at the shorter man’s attempt at friendly humor. 

“O-okay.”

Hongjoong could tell San was still basically a nervous wreck as he sets him up with the necessary paperwork, ushering for him to sit down in the office chair. He resists the urge to ruffle San’s hair or pat him on the shoulder because well, they don’t know each other that well yet. He doesn’t want to make San feel uncomfortable at all, even though he really wants to comfort his new employee. He leaves the back office to go back to his duties, giving San the room to himself. 

San sits and stares at the little paper booklet for a moment, blinking and biting at his lip. He leans his head back in the chair, dark hair falling back messily before he takes another breath. He was alone in the office room and suddenly it felt like it was closing in on him. It was the first time he’d ever experienced this- being a real adult with a real job and it was weird. He didn’t know why he felt so anxious. Was it because it was a new experience for him? Was it because it was the start of a new chapter of his life, marking his ascent (or descent?) into adulthood? This could be the rest of his life, and one more thing to add to his admittedly small plate of stress. He tries not to whine to himself as he fiddles with the Papermate pen he’s been given, tapping it against the desk as he gets lost in his thoughts. 

After a few minutes of wallowing and listening to the clock on the wall tick ominously, San finally opens the booklet and reads through the rules. It wasn’t actually anything much; just the dress code (black), don’t harass people, pretty similar to school rules, if San was being honest. 

“Okay,” he breathes to himself. “You can do this.” He signs his name where it tells him to at the bottom of the sheet, adding the date. Wait, what was the date? Oh yeah, it was Tuesday. Tuesday. He sits and stares into space, playing with the pen again for a few minutes, wondering if his heart was beating in time with the ticking clock. He pouts softly, looking up at the clock. How long had he been here? He tilts his head, letting out a little hum. 

The door opens and San nearly jumps out of his skin, letting out a gasp and dropping the pen. It clatters to the floor and he looks up at Hongjoong who’d opened the door with big, embarrassed eyes. 

“S-sorry!” He squeaks out, scrambling to pick up the pen. 

“Did I scare you?” Hongjoong asks softly. “You alright?” He stands against the door frame, running a hand through his hair. San nods shyly, his cheeks heating up. “I just came to check up on you since you’ve been back here a while. Have you finished?”

San nods, cheeks still red. Why did he have to jump like a scared cat when Hongjoong opened the door? How embarrassing. Maybe Hongjoong would laugh about it with Jongho once he’d gone home. 

“I’ve finished, yes, sorry, thank you.” He blinks and holds the papers out to Hongjoong after placing the pen back onto the desk. Hongjoong smiles and takes them. He flips through them to make sure San’s signed them off in the proper place before placing them back ok the desk and grinning. 

“Perfect! Now it’s time to get you an apron.”

~ 

San had been standing behind Hongjoong and Jongho just watching them do their thing. He had put the green apron on, and it felt stiff and odd tied around his body. He wondered if it looked weird on him. Was green his color? What if someone he knew came in and silently judged him. 

Hongjoong had told him just to stand and watch today, and then the next time he came in he would start learning how to do the other stuff like learn the till and the drinks. He was anxious for that because he knew he’d definitely fuck that up. So here he was just standing there dumbly as the other two worked. He felt like he was definitely in the way. He moves his hair out of his face, one hand gripping his opposite wrist as he listened to how Hongjoong and Jongho interacted with the customers and each other. He supposes it looked not too hard, but that was easy for him to say since he hasn’t actually tried to do any of the work yet. What if they just made it look easy but it was actually heroic level?

San can’t help but bite his lip in worry. He knew his heart was beating as fast as it possibly could as his eyes flitted around the area, unable to focus on one spot. The sounds were almost too much for him and he swallows, closing his eyes for a moment. He digs his fingertips into his wrist and takes a deep breath. He feels like he’s swaying for a moment as all of the soft bustle of the cafe closes in on him and he must have really looked unsteady because Jongho is there asking if he’s doing okay. 

He blinks, tilting his head. It takes a moment for it to register and he clears his throat before he speaks. 

“Yes, sorry. Sorry, I just feel like.. I’m in the way aren’t I?” San says meekly. Jongho frowns and tilts his head. 

“No no, you’re not. You’re supposed to be watching us like this. You look like you need a break though.” He chuckles, a soft friendly sound. San nods, because yeah, he really could use a break. 

“It’s.. a lot to take in?” 

Jongho nods and chuckles again. 

“Indeed, I thought so too. I’m Jongho by the way, if Hongjoong hyung hasn’t told you yet. I’m 19, by the way.” He grins at san, a soft gummy smile and if San wasn’t in the middle of a crisis he’d probably coo. So, Jongho was younger than him. 

“I’m.. San, I’m 20.” he says, giving Jongho the most genuine smile he could. 

“Ah, so you’re my hyung too” Jongho smiles again. “Darn, I wanted to be older than someone!” San lets out a soft giggle despite himself and Jongho does as well. 

“Sorry” he says apologetically, shrugging his shoulders. He wondered if Hongjoong was his age or older. Would it be rude to ask? 

“Oh well.” Jongho hums. “Hyung is 21, he was born in 1998, definitely an old fogey.” 

“ _Hey!_ ” Hongjoong huffs good-naturedly as he’s finished with the customer, coming over to join them. “I resent that, I’m not _that_ much older than you.” 

“Fogey” Jongho grins, laughing mischievously and Hongjoong swats at his shoulder gently. 

“Anyways, San, it’s time for your break, I’ll make you a tea, okay?” San just nods with a smile. He wonders if it’ll be the chamomile tea again- he did really like the gesture. His dad had never made him tea when he volunteered at the studio. “Are you doing okay so far?”

~

The second day San comes to work, he’s all set up in his apron. Hongjoong had him shadow Jongho at the drink station, figuring that would be the most important part if it was busy. There were more drinks to remember than buttons on the till. 

So far, he had been shown how to pour the basic brews, how to grind the beans and how to make lattes. He watched with wide eyes, taking all the information in. It was definitely a lot, and San feels like he hadn’t stopped shaking the entire week. He hadn’t slept much the night before either; he was too nervous about messing up. 

He was lost in his thoughts, focusing too much on the staccato of his heartbeat as he listened to Hongjoong take the customer’s order when he almost misses Jongho’s words. 

“Now you try”

“What?” San says dumbly, blinking. He tilts his head. 

“Ah, you make this one. It’s just a basic regular coffee. Grande.” Jongho says with a warm smile and San nods. A regular coffee. Nothing fancy. Okay, he could do this. He takes a deep breath and nods, and with shaking hands he grabs a cup and then the coffee pot. Oh god, what if he spills? What if it’s too much and it overflows? He sets the cup down and pours the coffee in, frowning in concentration. He only spilled a little bit on the counter before he puts the pot down, finally realizing he was holding in his breath. He reaches for the lids. It took him a moment to because his hands were shaking so much, his fingers couldn’t grip it. Jongho just watched over him, but let him do it himself. 

San puts the lid on the coffee and then passes it to Jongho with red cheeks. 

“Ah, good job!” San turned even more red at the praise, looking down shyly. He gives Jongho a soft little smile and Jongho resists the urge to ruffle the new boy’s hair. 

“Thank you”

~

After San’s break, Jongho was on the till and he was supposed to be helping Hongjoong with the drinks this time. Somehow this made him even more nervous because Hongjoong was his actual boss, even if he treated him more like a younger brother. 

San hadn’t managed to eat much on his break, just a half of a bagel- the only thing he’d actually eaten that day, actually. It didn’t go unnoticed by Hongjoong either and he tutted to himself as Jongho chuckled, teasing Hongjoong about how much of a dad he was. 

San’s job now was to create a latte for the customer now while Hongjoong watched him. The bagel had basically done nothing to soothe the nerves bubbling inside his stomach and San starts the espresso machine with shaky hands. He hears the whirr of the machine as he grabs the cup, Hongjoong had already pulled the milk carton out for him and he thanks the elder boy in a quiet voice. When the espresso was finished, he pours the shots in, then he reaches for the milk but he accidentally knocks the cup down with the espresso shots into the floor. He lets out a soft yelp, feeling heat creep up into his cheeks from his neck. He looks at Hongjoong with panicked eyes, feeling his breath catch in his throat. 

San couldn’t do anything; he was frozen to the spot, Oh god, he fucked up. He spilled something, and now there was a mess. He must be the most incompetent person on the planet and his boss must hate him now. He looks down at the spilled espresso on the floor and feels like he’s going to throw up, then back at Hongjoong

“I-Oh god, I’m sorry! Oh no, I didn’t mean to do that… I messed up, I’m sorry..” San rambles, hands flailing for a moment before they move up to cover his red face. He didn’t want Hongjoong to see that there were tears threatening to spill from his eyes. 

“San, it’s okay, it happens” Hongjoong says in a soft voice. “It’s just espresso, we can start it again-“

“W-where should I put my apron, I’m sorry, I can’t..” San squeaks out from behind his hands. Hongjoong opens his mouth to squeak again, his face pulled into a concerned frown. Jongho looks over from his spot at the till, also feeling concerned. Why was San so upset? Just yesterday Jongho has spilled the entire carton of milk and Hongjoong had just snorted and shrugged, telling him to clean it up. San then runs off to the bathroom, closing the door and locking himself inside. 

Jongho looks at Hongjoong and shrugs with a frown on his face. 

“Is he.. going to be okay, hyung?” 

“I’ll give him a few minutes while I re-make the drink, then I’ll go check on him.” Hongjoong says, getting a new cup and starting up the espresso again, warm scent of coffee filling the air. Jongho apologizes to the customer about the wait with a polite smile. 

San shuts the bathroom door, pressing himself against the wall and immediately sinking down to the floor. He lets out a whine, covering his face with his hands and drawing his knees up to his chest, not caring if he gets his ass dirty as he sits on the floor. He fucked up in front of his boss _and_ a customer. How was he ever going to live that down? It was so embarrassing. He tries to take a deep breath but immediately starts to cry, sniffling with his head against his knees. The panic had finally built up and all San could do was whimper and cry softly from the stress of it all. 

His life had changed. This was his life now and not even two days into it, he’d already fucked up and embarrassed himself. He hated new situations, and he knew he was sensitive. The customer probably hates him too for messing up their drink. Hongjoong was probably fuming at him. San curses to himself and raises an arm to punch the floor. Even worse, he fucked up _and_ he was having some sort of nervous breakdown. The walls felt like they were closing in on him and all he could do was dig his fingers into his legs and whimper softly into himself, waiting for the ability to breathe to come back to him somehow. 

Hongjoong had finished making the drink and it was given to the customer. He made sure Jongho was fine at the bar alone before he pretty much power walked to the bathroom, knocking on the door gently, waiting for San’s answer 

“San? Are you in there?”

San squeaks, eyes widening as he heard Hongjoong’s voice. Oh god. Oh god, this is it. This is the end wasn’t it?

“San, I’m coming in.” San doesn’t answer and Hongjoong just opens the door, looking around to see San crumpled up against the wall, face hidden in his knees. Hongjoong kneels down in front of him, tilting his head, a worried pout on his face. 

“I’m pathetic…” San murmurs into the fabric of his jeans, sniffling softly. He must look like a lost child who dropped their ice cream. 

“People make mistakes, it’s alright. That’s how we learn, you know?” Hongjoong says softly. He reaches out and rubs San’s leg in an effort to soothe the boy. “You’re not pathetic, and I’m not upset with you, I promise.” 

“Y-you’re not going to.. fire me?”

“Jesus San, you spilled an espresso shot, you didn’t set my cafe on fire” Hongjoong snorts fondly and ends up petting San’s hair for a moment. “If that’s all it took to fire someone, nowhere would have any employees” 

“I fucked up..” San still murmurs, sniffling. “‘s.. embarrassing…” He looks up at Hongjoong with watery eyes and Hongjoong feels his heart break for San, and in that moment he pulls the crying boy into his arms, rubbing his back. San squeaks in alarm, but lets himself melt into the touch. He starts to cry again, clinging to Hongjoong. 

“I know, I know. It’s scary starting a new job,isn’t it?” Hongjoong hums in a low voice. San nods. 

“Mhm..”

“Even if you make mistakes, I’ll always help you and I won’t judge you, okay? You know Jongho spilled an entire carton of milk the other day?” San snorts at that, resisting the urge to smile, despite breaking down. 

“H-he did?” 

“The entire carton. There was milk everywhere” Hongjoong chuckles, just holding San and absently rubbing his back as he calmed down. “It sucked to clean up but, it was no big deal, we just opened a new carton.” San sniffles again, nodding. 

“I’m going to give you a moment to clean yourself up, and I’ll wait outside, okay?” Hongjoong asks and San sniffles, agreeing as he moves back to wipe his eyes with his fingers. “I’ll make you some tea,” Both of them stand up and Hongjoong smiles at the taller boy reassuringly, patting him on the back. “You good?”

San nods, despite feeling absolutely exhausted. His heart felt a little bit lighter, knowing everything was okay, but making mistakes had always made him feel bad about himself. He was embarrassed about everything, crying in front of his new manager included. As Hongjoong leaves the bathroom and closes the door to give San some privacy, San looks in the mirror and groans at his appearance. Red cheeks, a wet face and bloodshot eyes. Ah, fuck. He wets his face with water and wipes his nose. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, taking a shaky breath before deciding that was as good as it was going to get. 

Hongjoong puts an arm on his back and leads him to sit in the back office in the chair, humming to himself as he makes San a chamomile tea. San almost closes his eyes, feeling the exhaustion of his panic attack hit him full force finally. He jumps up as Hongjoong holds out the tea to him and takes a sip after blowing on it a little, feeling the warm liquid slide down his throat and bloom in his chest like magic. Hongjoong ruffled his hair softly. 

“That’s it, breathe and drink that. It’ll help, I love chamomile.” Hongjoong talks to him fondly. San had to admit even if he was exhausted, mortified and nervous, he still felt like Hongjoong treated him well and he could almost, _almost_ see himself belonging. 

“Is everything okay?” Jongho pokes his head in, worried expression on his face. Hongjoong and San both nod, San sipping his warm tea again. Jongho gives a thumbs up. “Ah, I was worried!”

“Sorry..” San mumbles into his drink. 

“It’s alright, but if you’re feeling stressed you can tell us, you’re part of our team now, San hyung” Jongho gives him a gummy smile and San honestly blushes. He was part of the team. Even if he fucks up, he’ll be part of the team. It might just be the chamomile working it’s magic, but he suddenly felt warm and floaty inside as he leaned into Hongjoong’s hand rubbing his head gently. 

“Thank you… for letting me join. Promise i’ll do better next time.” 


End file.
